5 Ways to be a Happier Young Caregiver

When I first became my mom's caregiver, I thought that being a happy caregiver was a bit of an oxymoron. To those who are thrown into caregiving, it often feels like a thankless job. And whether you're caring for a loved one alone or with a team of family, it's emotionally, financially and sometimes physically exhausting. You're constantly pulled between wanting your own, normal life back and the guilt you feel from wanting your own, normal life back. Unless you're some magical superhuman being, it's difficult to find happiness when you're burnt out and grieving. You're human. It's natural. 

It's taken years for me to realize that happiness as a caregiver won't just fall into my lap. Becoming a happy caregiver is a process. It isn't a given. It ebbs and flows. Sometimes it's hard work to be happy. Since time travel hasn't been invented yet, I can't change my caregiving mistakes. What I CAN do is share what I've learned in the last few years to become a happier millennial caregiver. 

#1. Self Care

It's so, so true that you can't pour from an empty cup. I would know. I went through the stress of becoming a new mom to twins and becoming my mother's caregiver simultaneously.  In the beginning, I tried to be a super mom, super wife, super daughter. And guess what? I was miserable. I was experiencing caregiver burnout and it was very real. If you are unhappy with yourself, it doesn't matter how many people tell you what an inspiration you are.

According to a 2015 report from the AARP and the National Alliance for Caregiving, there are an estimated 9.5 million millennial caregivers. That means that a little more than 11% of America's millennials are caregivers -- most of them caring for a parent or grandparent. And while that's a lot of us, it also means that the large majority of millennials are lucky enough to not be in our shoes. Cut yourself some slack. This job is no joke. 

Take care of yourself.

Go for a walk or hike outside. It's amazing what some good ol' vitamin D can do. Get a foot massage, indulgent in a pricey coffee, treat yourself to window shopping.  Do something everyday that makes YOU happy. Put away your phone and just have a moment. You deserve it. 

Along with taking time out for yourself, you need to physically take care of your body. Easier said than done, right? I'm no stranger to stress eating and sometimes you just need to indulge. But it's amazing how much better I feel when I eat healthy and exercise. With every vitamin you pop, it's also a small reminder that YOU are important and YOUR needs matter. 

#2. Let Go of Guilt

As millennial caregivers, most of us are just hitting some of the major milestones of adulthood. We're climbing our way up the career ladder, moving into our first homes, perhaps we're getting married and having babies. When you suddenly find yourself caring for a declining parent or grandparent, it can be a jolt. It's only natural to wish for the way things were. Don't feel guilty for sometimes missing the way your life used to be.  

On the other side, guilt also comes from not being able to be with your loved one enough. This person nurtured you and loves you and you feel guilty for not being able to mirror that same dedication and selflessness. 

Even though it's 100% the right move for my mom and our family, I still find myself hanging onto guilt from putting my mom in a memory care facility. I feel guilty when I drop her off. I feel guilt when she calls me in tears that she wants to move back to her old house. I have to remind myself that my mom was adamant when she was first diagnosed that she wanted me to live my life to the fullest and not be a caregiver. It's important to remember that this isn't what my mom hoped for either. 

The point is, as millennial caregivers, you're doing the best you can. We were dealt a tough hand. Life happens. Your life is happening now. Give yourself a break. Let go of the guilt. 

#3. Realize that Friendships Evolve

When I first became my mom's caregiver, I had a difficult time relating to my peers. I was in crisis mode and while my friends were worrying about weekend plans, I was worrying about getting my mom medicated and stable. At first, I secluded myself. I didn't know how to act when I wasn't my snarky, 20 something self. But that got lonely fast. 

Friendships evolve. The friends who can't hang, won't. Your real friends will be there for you through the good and bad. Friendship isn't about being happy all the time. See your friends. Lean on them. It's okay to not feel "yourself". Give them the credit they deserve. 

#4. Get Support

Even if you feel alone in your caregiving, you aren't. Support can come from family, friends, online or in-person support groups or even a babysitter so you can get some alone time. You may need time to vent. Don't let it build up just because you don't want to be known as a "Debbie Downer." It's sometimes hard to integrate your struggles into everyday conversations. I totally get it. I go to a therapist regularly so I can talk through it all. 

Just because you are physically capable of juggling it all, doesn't mean you should. It's not healthy. Try to delegate tasks to other family members and ask advice. People want to help you. It's your responsibility to tell them HOW. 

#5. Accept Your Parents for Who They Are NOW

Sometimes I get so caught up mourning the loss of who my mother once was that I miss out on who my mom is now. Of course it's natural to grieve, but you also need to accept this new person. This is especially difficult for degenerative diseases as, by nature, your loved one's needs are constantly changing. You're constantly needing to reevaluate who they are. 

Although my mom can not dressing herself, she also loves my kids fiercely. She may not know why she lives in a memory care facility, but she remembers tiny details of my childhood. Although we aren't in an ideal situation, I'm a luckier person to have her in my life.

The Millennial Caregiver: The Cheese Stands Alone

According to the AARP, the average caregiver in this country is 49 years old. That's double the age of some millennials. These caregivers have more peers who they can lean on for advice. They have double the life experience we have. They have also had the opportunity to experience some of the major milestones in life without the weight of caregiving. They may be more settled into a career, more financially stable, and their own children are more self sufficient. I'm not saying anyone is ready for this or that it's easy to lose at a parent at any age. I am saying that, as millennial caregivers, we face our own set of caregiving struggles. Here are some of the ways that millennial caregivers differ from the average caregiver. 

The Lonely Young Caregiver

One of my least favorite things to do is attend the family mixers at my mom's building. Most caregiver support groups are filled with people who are MY mom's age. I know these things are designed to help but they sometimes makes me feel worse. If I have one more middle aged woman give me those sad eyes, I may scream. Looking at a room full of people twice my age just reinforces my inner dialogue of "what the fuck. I'm not supposed to be here." 

A major differences between millennial caregivers and those who are older is that we are not the norm. We are the freaks of most family mixers or support groups. It's hard to feel supported when you feel like you don't belong. 

I think it's hugely important for millennials to find their own support. I touched on this in my post, 5 Ways to be a Happier Millennial Caregiver. You may feel alone in this because you're the youngest one at any physical support group, but with the power of the internet, you can find that you aren't alone at all. TheCaregiverSpace.org provides forums for all caregivers but also has started a Facebook group specifically for young caregivers. Hilarity for Charity provides a Google Hangout Support Group for Alzheimer's and other dementia caregivers under the age of 40. Jennifer Levin created a Facebook group for millennial caregivers called Caregiver Collective. Although you have to look for them, resources are forming. 

Feeling Like a Fraud

When you're a millennial caregiver, you get a lot of comments saying that you're a "superhero" or an "inspiration". Honestly, it makes me feel like a fraud. I think I'd feel like more of a superhero if this was the position that I chose to be in. Like, if out of the goodness of my own heart, I decided that this was something I should devote my life to. I would give anything for my mom to be normal and not to be a caregiver. 

Because most of your peers haven't been in your shoes, it's hard to feel understood. Being called a "superhero" doesn't acknowledge the struggles you face as a caregiver. With that said, I know that everyone is trying to be nice. You can't fault your peers for not "getting it." They're trying. We're all trying.  

Personal Milestones

When you're in your twenties or thirties, you're just hitting life's major milestones. You may be in new relationships, getting married, buying a house, having babies. With all that's going on, you simply don't have the free time that some older caregivers may have. There's a lot of guilt that comes from not being able to give your loved one the attention they deserve. There's also a lot of guilt that comes from not being able to give your partner or young children all the attention that they deserve. There's guilt all around. You're spread thin. 

Career Milestones

When you're just starting in your professional lives, you're consumed with proving yourself to your superiors. Caregiving takes away from your ability to put everything into your work. You're distracted and a little more jaded. The deadlines at work have less importance when you're dealing with a declining parent or loved one at home. 

We Will Only Grow in Numbers

Sadly, as time goes on, millennial caregivers will only continue to grow in numbers. Without a cure or major breakthrough, more and more baby boomers will develop Alzheimer's, Huntington's Disease or other forms of dementia. And, more and more of their children will be in my shoes as a young caregiver. 

As an old millennial, my only hope is that some of the future millennial caregivers are able to find more resources designed specifically for them. This job is hard enough as it is; we don't need to feel like outsiders anymore.